Clearing the Air

On Being a Fanfic Slash Author

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Info Card: Slash. To change characters that are interpreted in canon (what is written by show writers) as heterosexual and alter their orientation to same-sex. Derogatory term: turn them gay.

Why? Because two guys (or 3) are hot.

On Slash.

I had never thought about it prior to 2001. I was straight. I read the characters as straight. I fantasized about the characters as straight. One day, not long after my mom died I think (July 31, 2000), I was perusing the Stargate SG-1 message boards via IRC, looking at all the discussions, when I came across the term Slash. I couldn’t tell what it was other than people were putting it down, calling it “non-canon.” So I had to go searching (you know, instead of outright asking someone). I think I went to an early version of Gateworld, but I can’t remember. Then I found the fiction world. I read a story. Specifically, in this fandom, Jack/Daniel.

Now, I’ve never been homophobic, but I found it weird. Intriguing, but weird. And. Yet. It drew me in. I began reading everything with J/D sex in it. After about a week, I developed my own preferences. I wanted to read stories where Jack and Daniel weren’t feminized. Read stories from several dozen authors and you’ll see what I mean. I wanted to recognize my boys, not turn them into men no one would know simply because they’d been altered to be attracted to each other.

In other words, suspend my disbelief for cryin’ out loud.

I made a few friends, made a few enemies–and the latter was largely due to what an outstandingly nasty bitch I was. I attacked any story that feminized the boys. I ripped it apart if it violated all military protocols. I became the badfic reviewer. Most people didn’t want to know me because I’d been like that. They had no patience for my bullshit, and frankly, I don’t blame them.

It wasn’t until 2009 when I was able to get on an anti-depressant (one that utterly killed my libido by 2010) that I realized what a bitch I’d been. What a weirdo. Sigh. What’s done is done. I still hold to my opinions about those stories I blasted. I just don’t go and rip them up online unless someone asks my opinion.

On becoming an author, and a Slash one at that.

In early 2002, I wrote an odd story I’d entitled “The Room.” I’d given it to a writer named Dangermouse to beta. She gave some excellent advice and I edited it until I thought it read okay. But I didn’t post it anywhere. I was afraid that because it had a sexual theme, my website host would pull it down as pornography. It’s stupid, but there’d been a censorship trend going around on the internet. Eventually, I bit the bullet and posted it on on my website and later, over at Area 52 (which no longer exists).

Let me pause and say this: I love my boys. Jack and Daniel, naturally. But I love my OCs, too. Original Characters. Jason. Adriann. I adore them. I won’t ever give them up. Not many like them, but as long as I keep writing J/D, no one really notices the OCs.

Anyways, I kept going with new characters, new stories, made a few more “friends”, had a few more betas, and for several years, I built a little niche in the fandom. But through all that time, I hadn’t been on my anti-depressant, so Queen Bitch of the Universe. I had a few friendships I had thought were solid but discovered that I wasn’t really their friend. They were mine. It was a totally one-sided affair and the reason was my bitchiness. I’d like to think it was just other people being bitches, but nope. It was largely me.

Now that I’m stable, in one fashion or another, I haven’t regained those friendships. They’ve moved on. They’re no longer a part of fandom. So it makes me think that perhaps it wasn’t just me. Perhaps they’d gotten sick of the fandom in general–and it’s not hard to see why if you visit places like Gateworld. The Jack/Sam contingent there is mind-bogglingly whacko. There are people there who make my bitchy past look tame by comparison. I don’t engage because … for fuck’s sake, what is the point, ya know? That sort of thing I can do without.

I’m now writing less, but I can’t give it up. I love my boys. But it angers and saddens me that I can’t seem to write as often–and it is Largely due to the drop in my libido. To be frank, most of us read Slash for the sex, however little or a lot there is of it in a story. It’s always great when there’s either a lot or a few really lengthy scenes. I went all in, as it were. Most of my stuff was PWP, or porn-with-plot. Then I began to take my writing seriously and by 2014, I couldn’t just write silly stuff anymore. I had be all “pro” about it, which isn’t exactly what fanfic is known for, let’s be honest.

I really, really wish we had chips in our brains that let us “write” without touching the damn keyboard so we’re not sitting there staring at a blank screen or just the one page that was torn out of our heads like a thorn from a lion’s paw. I looked into dictation and using a microphone to get the stuff out, but I am NOT a speaker. I’m a writer. The stuff in my head needs an editor, and speaking just bypasses the editorial process. So I rarely say things in person. I can go off on a tangent, but only half of it would make any sense. Even so, I can still do the same thing typing this right now and it may not be anything more than “listening to the sound of my own voice.”

Back to the point, Joy. FFS. (For Fuck’s Sake. In case someone ever wonders.)

Writing is a necessity for me, but these days, I’m in the middle of trying out different anti-depressants to see what will work and what won’t torpedo my sex drive. So my writing doesn’t get done like I want it to. I spend a lot of time “outside the bedroom” in my stories and it just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Perhaps someone else can sympathize, yes?

But trust me. I’m not going to quit. I’ll be writing something right up to the day I die. Which hopefully won’t be until I’m in my 90s. I can make it that far, dammit. With my boys.

About the author

Joy

Writer, Veteran, Wiccan, Artist, Progressive Pain in the Ass. The order of these titles changes at a day's whim, but the last one always stays put for emphasis.

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By Joy
Clearing the Air

“The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, shit detector.” ~ Hemingway

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Joy

Writer, Veteran, Wiccan, Artist, Progressive Pain in the Ass. The order of these titles changes at a day's whim, but the last one always stays put for emphasis.

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